When I was in college I used to keep a yearly list of things that I wanted to accomplish that year. I remember putting the loose leaf paper on the wall with simple plans for the next 365 days of my life. The list would have things like get a 4.0 GPA or pay off my credit card, or even fall in love. It was a time in my life when I could simply put a list together of all the things I wanted for myself and in my life. The younger version of myself was so sure of herself and what she wanted. I miss her.
Yesterday, Steve Jobs died and one of the quotes that kept coming up was from a speech he gave at a Stanford University commencement. "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't get trapped by Dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
I look at that quote and I feel paralyzed. I don't know what I want. I used to be so sure about what I wanted; even when I wasn't sure about who I really was. Now I'm feeling like a shadow of my previous self. I promised myself that I would get to a place in my life when my decisions would be made by my heart and my soul and not my wallet; yet here I am 6 months before my 40th birthday and I'm even less sure of the decisions that I want to make. How do you stand up and demand what you want out of your life when you don't know what that really is?
They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. After everything I've been through over the last 22 years and even over the last 6 weeks, I feel like a stronger person than ever. I just wish I knew where to put my strength.
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