The Gut Check

Three years after going into remission for my fancy tummy issues I find myself back in the grind of pain and disease again.  There is something very difficult about dealing with a health issue that if controlled won't kill you; but won't go away.  It's humbling staring down a life that will be forever filled with discomfort and limits when deep down inside your gut you know that you could do so much more.  No family member or friend, no matter how loving and caring can fully understand the weight of that.  The emotional toll can be more weighty than the physical; and considering the amount of pain I can experience, that is saying a lot.

The other day I had to go to the urgent care center when the pain became too much for me to bear; again.  The doctor asked how long I had the condition and I replied over 20 years.  He asked why I still had my colon; and for the first time ever, I couldn't give a straight answer.  He explained that giving it up would permanently put me in remission and relieve me of my pain.  I have to admit that for the first time I'm actually thinking about it.  My reasons for not considering this before have recently changed.

For years I've resisted any talk of cutting into my gut, because I rely on it for everything.  It's my gut-check and my internal thermometer of the outside world.  It's my link to my woman's intuition, and my last link to normalcy and everything I hold dear.  But most importantly, it's been the hope of a life I wanted to live; being loved with the possibility of a husband and children.

I'm very observant and intuitive, and as a writer it serves me well.  It's always been my fear that my gut really is the brains behind all of that; so I've held on because I've always believed that holding on to my normalcy would bring greater rewards.

Two weeks ago the guy I've been in love with for the last two plus years changed his life completely because the woman he loves won't love him back.  Rod Stewart was right when he said "When the one you love is in love with someone else, don't you know its torture, its a living hell."  When the person you care for makes a decision like that, you have to reevaluate your own decisions.  Someone recently told me that I'd never be the one that he loves; and maybe its my lot in life to always be the one that loves but doesn't get loved in return.  While it saddens me, even I can't ignore the obvious.  Maybe it's time to completely let go.

So I can't help but wonder if maybe its time to give up the gut and everything that goes with it.  I've been holding out for the marriage and pregnancy and the closer I get to a certain age I can't help but wonder if it's time to plan for a different future.