Open Wounds

Every week for the last month and a half I've been going to the wound care center to have my leg treated.  Three weeks ago the nurses treating me said that I would probably soon be free of my visits.  You can't imagine my excitement.  After all of the pain and the stress, my leg was finally healing in a meaningful way; and the wound was finally closing.  It's a great victory after a very troubling time; and proof that some wounds even large painful ones do actually heal.  "Some wounds..."

I found myself tearing up today as I got dressed and even as I drove to work.  It's "his" birthday and I can't help but think so much about him today even more than I do every other day.  I imagine that as he gets birthday wishes he's less than excited waiting for that one special message; but it isn't mine.  With my hair pulled back and a flowing blue dress on, I felt pretty except for the red watery eyes that betrayed my emotions.  After so many months his absence still saddens me in a way I can't fully wrap my mind around or explain; and it's even worse not knowing where he is and what he is doing; especially today.  Two years ago on his birthday he was here and I couldn't help but think how lucky I was that he was spending it with me.  It seems so long ago now.

He once told me that he was so sad when he thought about someone that he just couldn't breathe; and today I know exactly what he was talking about.  It's that feeling where your sadness is so heavy that it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest and your heart just wants to burst out of you. It feels like your heart, head and stomach are in knots getting tighter with each passing moment.

I couldn't understand why he wouldn't admit to the person that made him feel that way how he was feeling; but I realize now that I could never tell him that his absence makes me feel this way.  Who wants to admit to the person that they care for, that they are responsible for making you feel as horrible as one can feel without being in physical pain.

I can usually fake it; pretend that I'm not thinking about him.  I can even make people think it doesn't matter when they ask me if I've heard from him. . . usually.  I heard it said once that there are things we don't say because we just don't like the way they sound; "I still miss him, and it hurts more than a little every day."  Today, the pain is as real as it was the day he left; and even without saying the words I can't fake it.

Sometimes I wish I was someone who could just throw people and the memory of them away, but I'm not.  My friends said I should just tell him good riddance and walk away, but that's just not me.  I've never been able to just walk away from someone I loved; or hurt them even though they hurt me.  I could never wish him harm, or even discount him; and putting him away has proven difficult.  I still want the best for him; and to know that he's okay and happy.  The right thing to do would be to never think of him again.  Life would be so much easier if I could; but instead, I find myself still bandaging up what should by now be old wounds.

The Search for the Old Me

When I was in college I used to keep a yearly list of things that I wanted to accomplish that year.  I remember putting the loose leaf paper on the wall with simple plans for the next 365 days of my life.  The list would have things like get a 4.0 GPA or pay off my credit card, or even fall in love.  It was a time in my life when I could simply put a list together of all the things I wanted for myself and in my life.  The younger version of myself was so sure of herself and what she wanted.  I miss her.

Yesterday, Steve Jobs died and one of the quotes that kept coming up was from a speech he gave at a Stanford University commencement.  "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.  Don't get trapped by Dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking.  Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary."

I look at that quote and I feel paralyzed.  I don't know what I want.  I used to be so sure about what I wanted; even when I wasn't sure about who I really was.  Now I'm feeling like a shadow of my previous self.  I promised myself that I would get to a place in my life when my decisions would be made by my heart and my soul and not my wallet; yet here I am 6 months before my 40th birthday and I'm even less sure of the decisions that I want to make.  How do you stand up and demand what you want out of your life when you don't know what that really is?

They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  After everything I've been through over the last 22 years and even over the last 6 weeks, I feel like a stronger person than ever.  I just wish I knew where to put my strength.