Open Wounds

Every week for the last month and a half I've been going to the wound care center to have my leg treated.  Three weeks ago the nurses treating me said that I would probably soon be free of my visits.  You can't imagine my excitement.  After all of the pain and the stress, my leg was finally healing in a meaningful way; and the wound was finally closing.  It's a great victory after a very troubling time; and proof that some wounds even large painful ones do actually heal.  "Some wounds..."

I found myself tearing up today as I got dressed and even as I drove to work.  It's "his" birthday and I can't help but think so much about him today even more than I do every other day.  I imagine that as he gets birthday wishes he's less than excited waiting for that one special message; but it isn't mine.  With my hair pulled back and a flowing blue dress on, I felt pretty except for the red watery eyes that betrayed my emotions.  After so many months his absence still saddens me in a way I can't fully wrap my mind around or explain; and it's even worse not knowing where he is and what he is doing; especially today.  Two years ago on his birthday he was here and I couldn't help but think how lucky I was that he was spending it with me.  It seems so long ago now.

He once told me that he was so sad when he thought about someone that he just couldn't breathe; and today I know exactly what he was talking about.  It's that feeling where your sadness is so heavy that it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest and your heart just wants to burst out of you. It feels like your heart, head and stomach are in knots getting tighter with each passing moment.

I couldn't understand why he wouldn't admit to the person that made him feel that way how he was feeling; but I realize now that I could never tell him that his absence makes me feel this way.  Who wants to admit to the person that they care for, that they are responsible for making you feel as horrible as one can feel without being in physical pain.

I can usually fake it; pretend that I'm not thinking about him.  I can even make people think it doesn't matter when they ask me if I've heard from him. . . usually.  I heard it said once that there are things we don't say because we just don't like the way they sound; "I still miss him, and it hurts more than a little every day."  Today, the pain is as real as it was the day he left; and even without saying the words I can't fake it.

Sometimes I wish I was someone who could just throw people and the memory of them away, but I'm not.  My friends said I should just tell him good riddance and walk away, but that's just not me.  I've never been able to just walk away from someone I loved; or hurt them even though they hurt me.  I could never wish him harm, or even discount him; and putting him away has proven difficult.  I still want the best for him; and to know that he's okay and happy.  The right thing to do would be to never think of him again.  Life would be so much easier if I could; but instead, I find myself still bandaging up what should by now be old wounds.

The Search for the Old Me

When I was in college I used to keep a yearly list of things that I wanted to accomplish that year.  I remember putting the loose leaf paper on the wall with simple plans for the next 365 days of my life.  The list would have things like get a 4.0 GPA or pay off my credit card, or even fall in love.  It was a time in my life when I could simply put a list together of all the things I wanted for myself and in my life.  The younger version of myself was so sure of herself and what she wanted.  I miss her.

Yesterday, Steve Jobs died and one of the quotes that kept coming up was from a speech he gave at a Stanford University commencement.  "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.  Don't get trapped by Dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking.  Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary."

I look at that quote and I feel paralyzed.  I don't know what I want.  I used to be so sure about what I wanted; even when I wasn't sure about who I really was.  Now I'm feeling like a shadow of my previous self.  I promised myself that I would get to a place in my life when my decisions would be made by my heart and my soul and not my wallet; yet here I am 6 months before my 40th birthday and I'm even less sure of the decisions that I want to make.  How do you stand up and demand what you want out of your life when you don't know what that really is?

They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  After everything I've been through over the last 22 years and even over the last 6 weeks, I feel like a stronger person than ever.  I just wish I knew where to put my strength.

The Gut Check

Three years after going into remission for my fancy tummy issues I find myself back in the grind of pain and disease again.  There is something very difficult about dealing with a health issue that if controlled won't kill you; but won't go away.  It's humbling staring down a life that will be forever filled with discomfort and limits when deep down inside your gut you know that you could do so much more.  No family member or friend, no matter how loving and caring can fully understand the weight of that.  The emotional toll can be more weighty than the physical; and considering the amount of pain I can experience, that is saying a lot.

The other day I had to go to the urgent care center when the pain became too much for me to bear; again.  The doctor asked how long I had the condition and I replied over 20 years.  He asked why I still had my colon; and for the first time ever, I couldn't give a straight answer.  He explained that giving it up would permanently put me in remission and relieve me of my pain.  I have to admit that for the first time I'm actually thinking about it.  My reasons for not considering this before have recently changed.

For years I've resisted any talk of cutting into my gut, because I rely on it for everything.  It's my gut-check and my internal thermometer of the outside world.  It's my link to my woman's intuition, and my last link to normalcy and everything I hold dear.  But most importantly, it's been the hope of a life I wanted to live; being loved with the possibility of a husband and children.

I'm very observant and intuitive, and as a writer it serves me well.  It's always been my fear that my gut really is the brains behind all of that; so I've held on because I've always believed that holding on to my normalcy would bring greater rewards.

Two weeks ago the guy I've been in love with for the last two plus years changed his life completely because the woman he loves won't love him back.  Rod Stewart was right when he said "When the one you love is in love with someone else, don't you know its torture, its a living hell."  When the person you care for makes a decision like that, you have to reevaluate your own decisions.  Someone recently told me that I'd never be the one that he loves; and maybe its my lot in life to always be the one that loves but doesn't get loved in return.  While it saddens me, even I can't ignore the obvious.  Maybe it's time to completely let go.

So I can't help but wonder if maybe its time to give up the gut and everything that goes with it.  I've been holding out for the marriage and pregnancy and the closer I get to a certain age I can't help but wonder if it's time to plan for a different future.

The 40/40 List

I sat down the other day trying to come up with a list of 40 things to accomplish before my 40th birthday. It’s turned out to be one of the most challenging personal projects I have ever undertaken. I’ve been reflecting on who I am, who I think I am, and who I want to truly be.


It’s a wonderful and sad time for me. For the first time in 20 years I feel good and healthy in a way I never have before; and the prospect of turning 40 has created in me great reflection and longing. The list of goals left me wondering so much about what is missing in my life; yet having a hard time coming up with things to accomplish reminded me of the amazing things that I’ve already done. I realize that the most important things that my heart needs to accomplish live in a swirl of experiences that no list can compare to, and by far, I’ve seen so much.

I’ve stood at the top and bottom of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, and the World Trade Center in New York City. I’ve seen London Bridge and Big Ben and stood in Trafalgar Square.

I shook the hands of a President (Clinton), met a Civil Rights hero (Rep. John Lewis), and met a Nobel Laureate (Toni Morrison). I’ve stood on the floor of the U.S. Senate, the greatest deliberative body in the world at the desk of the late President Kennedy and his brother Ted.

I’ve loved and lost and loved again and had my heart broken; and woken up and gotten out of bed the next day.

I found the guy of my childhood dreams, and learned that his dreams were different and there wouldn’t be a happy ending; and I lived through it.

I’ve finally learned why they say that youth is wasted on the young; and in the most profound moment of my existence so far, I’ve held a newborn human being in my arms (not mine), and truly understood that it is possible to love someone else more than myself – and know that I would lay my life down for the love of that person.

Maybe the 40-40 list that’s difficult to come up with rings a bell that forces us to acknowledge that accomplishments can’t be listed off and completed in short spaces of time; they must be lived and earned day by day. I suspect that the most amazing goal I can come up with is to make peace with my heart, for the things I lost, never found, and never will. Maybe if I could do that, the rest of it would be child’s play.