Not Quite the Same Sweet Boy

One night when I was 20 years old, my boyfriend drove away from my house into a snow-filled night on his way to the home of his new girlfriend. I remember looking out the window after him, tears falling from my eyes as Prince's "Diamonds & Pearls" played on the radio in my bedroom. It was years before that song and "Lonely Heart" by Boys II Men could play without making me think of him. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that it took me quite a while to get over that heartbreak. No young lady wants to lose her boyfriend to a woman considered prettier and more exciting.

I recently got back in touch with my first college boyfriend after more than 15 years. In the past 15 years he's spent 10 years in the military, and eventually married the girl he met and began dating while he was still dating me. So 15 plus years later I can't help but have strange feelings upon hearing that she cheated on him and wants to end the marriage leaving him devastated.

I'm sad for him because I once loved him during a very vulnerable time of my life. I'm sad for him because the man he is now seems so sad and broken, missing the smile and charm I remember. I'm sad for him because I wouldn't wish the pain he's going through on anyone.

As we sat one day talking and sharing a meal, I noticed that his eyes were focused primarily on his plate; refusing to look up. He later told me that he was a bit ashamed of being a husband whose wife was so unhappy that she cheated on him. I think about the fact that he married the girlfriend that came after me. I wonder, would I have been a forever wife? Would I have been happy? Would we have had the children they didn't?

There's something about an old boyfriend that left you behind. Years ago when he broke my heart I wished that he could feel the way I felt and hurt the way I hurt. Sadly that day has come, and I can't help but note that it didn't make the world a brighter place or make my life better. My mother always says that people who hurt us get what's coming to them and even though we might not see it, we'll hear or know it happened.

Words and wishes have powers, and today I'm left to wish that a wish made by hurt young woman on a snowy night didn't come true after all.

Still Searching for My First Great Love

My 6 year old niece makes a point of giving her father hugs and kisses with a frequency usually reserved for young, new loves. It makes sense since this love is her first of many, and the one that will teach her about loving and being loved.

At 37 years old facing being 40, and still single, I am amazed if not a little jealous. Not for my niece's affections, but because I never had that relationship with my own father. I usually answer questions about him with a simple retort that we no longer speak; and I rarely mention that I have half-siblings.

My half sister sent me a friend request on Facebook right before the holidays. I allowed the request to sit dormant as I contemplated what it would mean to be in contact with the woman that my father lovingly raised when he walked away from my life. Accepting my half-sister's friend request leaves me wondering about the what ifs in my own life.

I look around me and I can't help but notice that the majority of my married friends were raised in two parent homes or with very involved fathers. I heard a comedian say that he tells his daughter that she'll know real love when she meets a man who loves her as much as her daddy does.

If our fathers are our first great loves, what happens if we never have that "first" great love affair, and how do we know know real love if daddy didn't show it.