When I was 17 years old I had a huge crush on a guy on the school track team. He was pretty popular and I was thrilled to be his friend; and dreamed of being the girl in our school who finally got his attention. Fortunately, his friendship was available, unfortunately, his romantic attention was not.
One afternoon after a weekend track meet I sat in the bleachers waiting to walk with him to the train station. He told me that I didn't have to wait for him, that he was okay. I protested saying no, I'm happy to wait. Silly 17 year old me didn't quite understand that he was saying that he was waiting for someone else. Instead, I got my feelings hurt when a young lady walked up and asked him if he was ready to leave and he turned and walked away. Sadly, I also didn't know that the entire school was waiting for me outside of the field to see what would happen when I saw the new lady in my young man's life. To say I walked away devastated is an understatement. I made it to the end of the field without crying. I made it to the end of the field, not the end of the sidewalk where everyone, friends and foes stood excitedly waiting for my reaction. And that's where I lost it; and the tears fell and the embarrassment started; and the reputation I had for keeping my composure in all situations fell apart.
My classmates got a perfect view of my vulnerabilities and the perfectly created shield was shattered. I promised in that moment that I would never leave myself in that position again; and in a strange turn of events - last night I had the opportunity to prove it.
I have a huge crush on a "young" man that I have become friends with this year. As luck should have it; he enjoys my company too. So last night we spent the evening hanging out doing everything from watching MJ videos and playing guitar hero, to just talking as I watched him play his guitar for me. Then, his cell phone buzzed and he informed me that a young lady was on her way over. He explained that I was welcome to stay until she got there, but then it would be time to end the evening.
A curious, braver woman would have stayed to see the young lady that had his attention; but those tearful moments at Midwood Field returned in a flash and I was once again 17 years old being told that I didn't need to wait. So 20 years later, I said no. I said, "I don't want to know who you're sleeping with." He innocently responded that his friend was really nice and that he wanted me to meet her. I took the out and instead let that handsome, fascinating young man that I can't seem to remove from my thoughts, walk me to my car and watch as I drove away - 'before' the arrival of the young lady that would be finishing my amazing evening.
Call me a coward, an idiot, a wuss. I'll accept every name in the book; but one tearful walk out of a building is all I can handle in a lifetime; and if 37 doesn't give you permission to walk away - you have to give it to yourself. I woke up still feeling 17 this morning, with that timid feeling that comes from a disappointment you can't fix, a lost opportunity that can't be reclaimed, or the moment that you realize that you are a brand new owner of a beautiful pair of green eyes, the monster known as jealousy.
Just call me 17, with 20 years experience.
I could never understand how one could overlook the wonderment that you posess. Kudos to you for being 37, not 17. You have evolved into a woman that knows what she is willing to stand for, and not willing to put up with. Many of us would not have taken the high road like you chose to.
ReplyDeleteI have always loved reading your writing. This is a wonderful piece, thanks for inviting me into your thoughts once again.
-2L's