Keeping Christmas

The holidays are quickly approaching and this year I'm just not very excited.  It's not a reluctance to celebrate or anxiety about getting my Christmas gift shopping done on time.  Instead, it's about the sad fact that my mother has stopped keeping Christmas; at least the kind of Christmas I remember or recognize.  So this year I won't be going home.

When I was a child, Christmas was the most exciting time of the year.  The only negative memory I have of the joyous season comes from the year I was 5 and in kindergarten.  I made a plan with two girls in my class to exchange gifts.  I got my mom to buy them both presents with the joy of knowing there would be two presents for me on the last day of school before Christmas break. 

Unfortunately, the two girls, even at 5 years old knew a chump when they saw one.  They bought gifts for each other, but nothing for me.  Of course, that didn't keep them from taking my gift home.  I was devastated, and walked home from school in tears, completely unconsolable for hours.

At home, Christmas was wonderful.  Our livingroom would be so full that at least 2 or 3 days before Christmas it was almost impossible to enter the room.  For days the house would smell of rum cake, pine, and a wide range of holiday treats, candles, and wonderful tasty items delivered from friends and family afar.  While we were not rich, our family would save up to make an abundant season.

It hasn't been that way for a very long time.  I cannot recall the last year there was a gift under the tree for me from my mom or any of the other people I go home to for the holidays.  That doesn't stop me from going home with a bag full of gifts in tow.  In the last 10 years, I have made peace with knowing that there would be no gifts in return.  I've lobbied my mom to make the effort to no resolve.  And once again I am tasting the disappointment.

So this year, I'm skipping Christmas.  I'm keeping the holiday by purchasing gifts and sending cards, but going home is not on my radar.  Since keeping Christmas isn't important to the family; this year I can't rustle up excitement for everyone.  Maybe a quiet, lonely Christmas this year will make a disappointing Christmas more palatable next year.