Father's Day Lessons on Losing

Yesterday, my half-sister's Facebook status update said she was so happy she had a father who was always there for his daughter when she needed him; and thanked him for being her Super-Man.

Most of the women I know love their daddies, with a love that rings of caring, trust, but most of all presence.  For them, he's the man who provided for them, loved their mother, and sometimes softened the blows of an often harsh world.  I cannot share their view.

For me, Father's Day is a ticking time bomb.  It is a day that reminds me of loss; that my father chose not to be a part of my life.  Seeing my half-sister's update angered me.  It angered me because even at 38 years old there's that child inside of me that is jealous.  A girl who fiercely argued when I told people that I had a father, but I just didn't know where he was; the same girl who smiled politely when friends excitedly introduced their fathers and I realized that I was the only one who didn't really have one.

It was what brought me to a moment of clarity; an epiphany.  I was sick, laying in a hospital bed, and it occurred to me that if I died my father wouldn't know, and he'd hear it from someone in a passing conversation.  So I decided I no longer wanted to need a father.  Wanting a father who ignored my existence just made me feel worse than not having one.  Even now when I'm attracted to a guy, I jump right in, but wonder how long it'll be before he grows tired or restless of me and leaves. 

Right now, I'm losing someone that I care very much for.  He's slowly slipping out of my life and there's nothing I can do about it.  I don't want to be sad and I was sure I was finally old enough not to care.  I was wrong.  The child in me is peeking out, and she's feeling something that's become the norm, loss.

I truly believe we have to learn how to lose.  I feel like a loser; because my father taught me how.  He confirmed that some girls get abandoned.  He proved that some men don't stay, and he reminds me every Father's Day that some women simply fade into the background, and cease to matter to the "men in their lives."

So this Father's Day, a girl I barely know is telling the world about an amazing father that I only know as a cheater who abandoned me.  And another woman has become the focus of attention of the man I care for.  The emotional toll makes me feel like I'm wearing a sign that says "Father Knows Best & I LOSE!!!"